Men Are Pants

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight. He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit On the sofa and fart'.

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you? She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*stard'.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again!