Men Are Pants

Come on girls admit it, most of us progress through our younger years with an idyllic view of perfect adult life. You know the life where you meet the man of your dreams who spoils you with candlelit dinners, romantic walks by the seashore and buys you fluffy kittens, so that you have something soft to stroke when you are apart. He gets down on bended knee in front of the Eiffel Tower to proclaim his undying love, and presents you with a diamond so large, that he’s had to donate one of his kidneys for to pay for it. You of course continue your lives together living in a rose adorned cottage with 2 curly blonde children and a red setter blah…..blah blah blah …

What a load of pants!! Let me tell you about the reality…………

You discover at the age of 17 that you have developed a penchant for drinking pernod and black or vodka and lime washed down with 4 halves of Red Stripe. This is enough to make you believe that you are in fact Janet Jackson on the dance floor, and then it happens……..Before your eyes a true Adonis materialises, and you know that you are smitten.

If only we had the benefit of foresight in our younger years, we would recognise the warning signs as they glare obviously at us through our already doomed relationships.

• Look at the mother/father to see your partner in time to come– this has more than a tinge of accuracy about it. Although you may find it hard to believe, the gorgeous, thoughtful man that you entrust yourself to, will eventually turn into the fat, miserable geezer who has reverted to childhood ways in that he a) can’t stay awake past 6.30pm and b) swallows all food whole, because he can’t be bothered chewing it !!
• When we initially become the focus of a man’s attention, we receive £50 worth of flowers from the coolest, most expensive florist in town. Once you’ve slept with him, it becomes a cheap bunch from the supermarket / local garage when you’ve had a major argument, and he is in danger of not being fed. If you are stupid enough to marry him, you’ll be lucky if you get 6 wilting brown carnations from the crematorium a week after your wedding anniversary.
• When you first start going out, your new partner will be dressed head to foot in designer gear, and reeking of expensive aftershave. After a while they’ll be wearing “middle of the road” high street clothes with a splash of deodorant. Eventually you’ll be lucky to prise them out of their jogging bottoms and polo T-shirt (the two of which don’t quite meet, revealing a not very toned midriff).
• When you first find a focus for your affections, you can barely keep your hands off each other, and you spend most of your wages on skimpy underwear, waxing, baby oil and chocolate body paint. Once you’re “shacked up” this generally transforms into a couple of times a week, if you can be bothered and all the housework’s done, coupled with white underwear, shaved legs and a post coital cup of tea. Finally you avoid bodily contact at all costs, don’t care a hoot if your knickers don’t match your bra, and have the attitude that hairy is European, and if he loves you he won’t mind!

This list is by no means exhaustive, and you will discover during those “no holds barred” conversations with your female friends that your experiences and opinions are shared by the majority of the female species that have ever had committed relationships.

Occasionally you will encounter that fortunate person who has indeed met the man of most of our dreams, and for whom that first stomach churning meeting with their loved one has continued throughout the whole of their relationship so far. Of course, there is another view that these people are simply more tolerant, or too scared to admit that their relationship is less than perfect too.

So what do us cynics do when we have taken the brave step of releasing ourselves from the insecure and morale damaging relationships that we involve ourselves in from an early age? Well, we lose weight, start buying that skimpy underwear again and reacquaint ourselves with vodka and “Dancing Queen”. Then………….. One evening, whilst out with the girls and revelling in your new found singleton life, you spy an Adonis across a crowded room, and you are smitten…………..Sound familiar?