Men Are Pants

The Box is a tool dedicated to 'naming and shaming' the man who is now, hopefully, out of our lives. He is the one responsible for making us cry, doubt ourselves and downright sad! He's the one that's let us down consistently and left our hearts shattered into a pile of broken pieces. The Box is our opportunity to share his behaviour with the female population at large and explain what exactly makes him deserving of this humiliating honour!

The man appearing in the box for June, is the International man of mystery ‘Mr Big’. Let’s keep it simple and give him this title due to our love of Sex In The City, and the fact that he possesses an innate ability to have ladies ‘dancing a merry jig’ to the tune of his disco stick. There was a time when I believed that an older man may have life experience and a more balanced perspective due to lesson learned, but unfortunately this man disproves my theory with an A+* Apparently having the emotional capability of the average knat is normal when you hit your 40’s! Let’s hope not, and this poor excuse for a ‘man’ is the exception to the rule!

You must have met your own type of Mr Big in life and eventually come out the other side feeling battered, bruised, hurt and very confused? That and just a little bit pleased that you have survived the hell of such an experience, but still live to tell the tale??

This is the guy who believes that a façade of inbuilt confidence, despite his fading looks and not so attractive baggage, will get him by very well, thank you very much!! Well he might not be in his prime, but he is still acceptable in the middle aged dating forum! But for any self respecting lady out there that is just not good enough. With age also comes aches, pains and loneliness, and whilst there may still be charm, that seems little comfort when you are going to die alone. The very sad truth about a bloke like this is, not only will he never change, but he is more an International Man of Stupidity. That, and in real terms, someone with very low self esteem, who boasts a trail of failed relationships behind him!

Well Mr Big, doesn’t have time to wait around, so just like his track record dictates his back bagging the next victim! I think I forgot to mention that when God created this poor excuse, he conducted an experiment, to see the affects of a design change. The majority of the brains were implanted into his genitals, so he is slightly larger than average, if you know what I mean, but with a strangely small head! Mr Big is the kind of guy who thinks, that this is enough in life to justify affairs, cheating, heartbreak and lots of one night stands. Nice… Well Mr Big it may be news to you, but it’s not ALL about size when it comes to having a relationship. And a word from the wise, if you keep putting it about like that maybe your manhood will shrivel up & just become a reject home for disease and discomfort! Let’s face it; it couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke…

Men don’t communicate well, that is just a fact of life unfortunately, but this man didn’t communicate full stop. He was too busy caught up in his own selfish little world to realize that he was throwing away another good relationship. I mean if a girl has a D&M with you, and the future of your relationship depends on the outcome, you step up to the mark, right? Errrrr, in this case it was more like run for the hills and only look back when you felt horny! It’s a hard one to call when you want no bad feeling and would like to walk away from the debris with your head held high, thinking you had done nothing wrong??? Perfect way to avoid having to deal with anything emotional, right??!!!! Hey and what better way to play the victim in all this?? - Why not just put in an appearance when your main brain decided some light relief was required? What? And you didn’t realize that would be a total headfuck??? Anyway I digress…..

So DJ we would like to salute your naivety, emotional inability and your future!!!! In emotional terms we wish you would actually ‘grow some’, metaphorically speaking! The lady that was burned along the way will metamorphasize into a beautiful butterfly, but we fear you may just continue with your tirade of destruction –Although lucky for us ladies you don’t have many more years left to impress –I think they do Speed Dating at a reduced cost for pensioners though, so it’s not all bad!!!! And it even comes with lunch with a raffle….. So Mr Big, this is to you. Now Fuck Off.

The man appearing in the box for May is the beloved Mark. A sweet slip of a lad, at the tender old age of 21, who truly believes that a romantic night entails take away pizza coupled with farting and WOW (For the lesser geek amongst us that’s the World of Warcraft!). Now that in itself seems enough to deem him worthy of this humiliating honor, but guess what? There is more! Apparently poor Mark was so badly treated in a previous relationship, that he felt it productive to take his emotional baggage onto the next unsuspecting individual & herein lies the real reason for his place on the Throne! Mark is insecure, paranoid and struggling with adolescence it seems! He knows how to sulk like the average child and uses this attribute to full effect when he doesn’t get his own way. He’ll pull his knees into his chest, close his eyes and ignore you! Sounds quite a catch doesn’t he ladies!!

To top it all young Mark hasn’t quite mastered the art of chivalry and thinks that a long walk into town (Well the bus costs at least 50p!) to have a tantrum and storm home, is a good idea in order to win the affections of his loved one!!! But guess what? He can also slip into the role of a father and criticize anything that appears attractive for being too revealing, or too tarty! Classic insecurity complex it would seem, but when there is a broken hearted supportive female on the receiving end, it is easy to lose sympathy! Especially so when he is quick to tell her that she is not good enough for him! He sounds such a catch with his increasing midriff, lack of hygiene and receding hairline!

So to the lady who has stuck by this sniveling excuse for a man, we hope that by giving him pride of place in the Box for April will not only bring a smile to your face, but also remind you that you are worth so much more. We think he should be checking out the ‘Bad Boy’ section on the site, if you haven’t already dumped him and moved onto bigger and better things!!! So to Mark, we raise out glasses and toast your ability to act like a total tosser on a daily basis! And just one word of advice, grow some! If you don’t, we fear you will end up a very sad and lonely man with no one to blame but yourself…..

The man (if you can really call him that!) appearing in the box for March is Robbie. A fine specimen of a boy that believes the true mark of becoming a man is leaving home, joining the army and discovering that being faithful is just too much like hard work especially with all the adventures that apparently lie ahead. He leaves in his wake a stunning but heartbroken lady who has stuck with him through thick and thin & supported his decision to follow his dream from day one. And just to add insult to injury he thinks it is fun to come home the hero and practice his philandering skills in their home town. Classy!

Oh and that is between all the ‘I love you texts’ just to give her hope, before shattering the illusion all over again! So Robbie you have our attention and we have a little feedback for your over inflated ego.

First, being a man is about facing up to your girlfriend, not hiding behind a cloud of alcohol bravado and only texting when in an inebriated state -Whoopppeee you have reached the age where you can legally buy a pint, but that doesn’t mean your balls have actually dropped or that you have leant anything about life or how to treat a fellow human being.

Second, not keeping it in your pants for more than 5 minutes will result in sores, disease and a painful burning sensation,- but let’s face it, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!

And third, you are not a pretty sight (yep we have seen the photos!) so no matter how cool you feel about your new found manhood you will always be an ugly prick! And as for the heart broken lady? Well, she will move on and find someone worthy of her time and affection and by the time you realize just how perfect she was, you will be well and truly confined to the dumping ground of ‘just another ex’s not worth the effort’.

Read and weep ‘little boy’, read and weep’……

The man appearing in the box for February (The Valentines massacre month!) we will affectionately call Bobby! The clue is in the career choice for anyone wondering! He has been awarded this prestigious title due to being a classic cock tease and hurting an innocent party in the process. I mean how full on can you get by doing all the chasing, the work time visits and those lovely text messages??? And then using the pathetic excuse that he is not over his ex! I think that delivery was shortly after the heartfelt declaration of love! Nice timing sunshine!

So here�s to Bobby and his verbal diarrhoea. Maybe your ex will give you another chance and then again maybe not, but just know you have missed out on a great opportunity in the meantime. We are not interested in your pathetic excuses and suggest you put that brain of yours in gear before you start thinking with your disco stick!

The first man to appear in the box for 2010 is Firedancer33, or apparently Dimples to his friends, due to the primary sin of being an absolute player and cad! He appears this month (Apart from limited choices being nominated - Please try harder for February ladies!) as he is scared of life, adventure and generally keeping his word! Promises are like water to this young man and we all know that hiding behind a veil of insecurity is not an excuse, it's a piss take! So ladies beware and Firedancer burn and grow some...

To acknowledge the reason this site was built, the man to appear in the box for December is Paul. He receives the spotlight for the re-launch of Men Are Pants due to the nature and repetition of his sins.

He is worthy of this prestigious award for his ability to never fail to let me down. For his whole hearted commitment to making promises and promptly breaking them, in line with my heart. Most of all though he is awarded this pride of place due to his selfish, self-centered attitude that was intent on destroying my spirit.

Paul, you came close. But, I'm still here to tell the tale!