Men Are Pants

You know it gets bad when alcohol becomes a pen pal, as well as a friend, confidant and a way of life……

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

• 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those x-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
• 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
• 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
• 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

• 1. Innovative
• 2. Preliminary
• 3. Proliferation
• 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

• 1. Specificity - (can't say this one sober)
• 2. British Constitution
• 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

• 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
• 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
• 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
• 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
• 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
• 6. Oh, no Kebab/Hot Dog for me thanks

Private Thoughts of a Girl who drinks too much!

• 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is!
• 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bottom, whilst yelling “Yeah hah” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
• 3. I’ve suddenly decided I want to kick someone’s head in and honestly believe I could do it too!
• 4. On my last trip to the toilet I realised that I look more like a homeless hooker than the sex goddess I was only 4-hours ago!
• 5. I drop my 03.00 AM Kebab on the floor (which I am heartily eating, even though I am not in the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
• 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooooo very much.
• 7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my god, I just love this song!!”
• 8. I’ve found a deeper and more spiritual side to the absolute geek sitting next to me.
• 9. The man I’m flirting with used to be my 5th grade / Junior School teacher.
• 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on the table and sing and dance, becomes strangely overwhelming.
• 11. My eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own any more, so I keep them half closed and think it looks extremely sexy.
• 12. I’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it!
• 13. I shout at the barman, who I think cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that’s just because I can no longer taste the Vodka.
• 14. I think I’m in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
• 15. I start every conversation with a booking “Don’t take this the wrong way but….!”
• 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lids down when I sit on it.
• 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take down moves.
• 18. I’m tired so I just sit on the floor, wherever I happen to be standing, and take a quick nap.
• 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my flies, so to cut down the time in the bathroom, away from my refreshing lemonade!
• 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it’s their fault that I’m having problems walking straight.