Men Are Pants

So come on how many of us have done it? It’s traditionally a single female trait and commonly known as phone gazing. A very therapeutic way to wind down after a busy day at the office –I think not!! We sit there with a glass of wine in hand, trying hard to tap into our psychic side and will the stupid centre of our universe to ring. And does it? Sometimes yes, but who really wants to speak to their mother when they are awaiting the long overdue call from the guy who took their number last week? The telephone and its power over our moods have a lot to answer for.

Telephones over the years have been our worst enemy, our best friend and have cost us a fortune. They connect us with loved ones and they break our hearts. But then when we thought we could handle their presence in our lives, it got a whole lot worse.

BT, the caring, sharing telephone provider decided to tap into our psyche even further and offer us a range of additional technological enhancements to play with. The 1471, the 141, the 1571 to mention just a few! The fun started and we were able to check, on a 5-minute basis if necessary, just how many calls we had missed and just how many messages had been left. It became an addiction! This always brings to mind the scene from Bridget Jones when she nips over to her answer-phone (for the umpteenth time!) dials in, only to be greeted with the disappointing message –You have no new messages.

On a positive side we can spend hours catching up with our friends and find out their advice on our current nightmare situation. Alternatively we can just drain down from another manic day at work or slate the bloke who is currently not returning our calls! And as the superior race, with the ability to multi-task, we can do all this whilst cooking, cleaning, watching television and applying our make up. Is it any wonder that according to a recent Oftel report over 93% have a fixed line at home? It’s a necessity in life and I’m willing to bet that most people without a landline has another means of communication to keep them content! And that brings me on to the 24-hour social organiser. The trend which gets bigger by the day and will soon form the number one ingredient within our survival toolbox. The mobile phone!

I was thinking about this today and I don’t think any of my female friends haven’t got a mobile. And to top it all our mobiles have started to organise us! They have become a key part of our daily routine! We no longer just phone gaze sporadically, we are now ruled by our habit of constantly checking our life-organiser. We can pay as we go, set reminders, receive photos, organise the weekend, pass on giggles, vibrate, download our current favourite ringtone, access the internet, set our alarm clock and of course we can talk! And that’s just to mention a few of the facilities at our fingertips!! Oh yes, I nearly forgot, and we can text. Did I mention we could text? It must have very nearly slipped my mind, as I was too busy checking my message inbox for activity!

Texting is a law unto itself! It’s fun, quick, cheap and even boasts it’s own language! It’s addictive and another form of communicating with our nearest and dearest! Millions are sent monthly and according to ‘The Register’ over 1.4 billion text messages are sent in the UK every month! I mean how many do you send everyday? Be honest….. I must send a minimum of 10 daily and I’d like to consider myself a reasonably balanced and happily single female at present! Let’s face it though, text messaging is just another source of personal torture. We wait for that overdue text like a child whose had their sweets confiscated and we call our mobile provider to check ‘traffic build up’ when we don’t get one. Well there must be a fault on the line surely? We also manage to tune our acute levels of hearing into the familiar beep of a new message arriving into our inbox.

But that’s just day to day normality. It’s when the alcohol starts to flow and the night descends. Now that’s when the problems really start. After an evening out on the tiles, the mobile phone becomes nothing less than one of the wares created by Satan himself. Temptation always seems to come wrapped up in a harmless exterior, so what’s the worst that could happen? I mean the only things in life you should regret (hic…) are…. what was the second bit to that thing again???

A few too many drinks later and we decide it’s a great idea to send a sexy / abusive / hurtful / confusing message to that bloke who looked promising / broke our heart / has potential! Oh dear. It’s only the delivery report which graces our inbox the following day that brings regret flying home. That flashback. Oh shit we did it again despite our promise! Modern technology really does have a lot to answer for. It’s not like that drink dial syndrome, when you get the number wrong or he doesn’t answer anyway. We post our electronic signature against our message and evidence is generated.

I mean you’d think that with all the technological advancements available to us that there would be a breathalyser installed on the mobile handset, which prevents such behaviour and disables the phone when the user is over a certain level? No such luck! So how do we avoid this embarrassment and regret safely? Firstly leave your phone at home –Is there any need to take it clubbing or on a girls night out? Organise yourself so that the taxi is booked at the end of the evening, so that old chestnut for an excuse can’t be used. If there are kids in the equation, and you want to check everything is alright at home (it does happen and it’s a perfectly valid excuse), then use your married mates one or get yourself a phone book free phone and SIM card just for the occasion.

It may cause you a panic attack and the first steps are always the hardest to take, but wrestle the phone from your fingertips and leave it hidden at home, when you go out to play. Drunk or not we’ll undoubtedly find a way to hunt it down when we stumble in (just because we know we shouldn’t!), so instead of making it too difficult for ourselves, just turn it off and install a complicated pin code. Or better still, get your friend to do it, and make the day after the night before an opportunity to have coffee and hand over security access. May sound a little extreme but it’s worth it.

At the end of the day we all know our limitations and addictions. It may be torture, to slow down our dependency on this gadget, but hey whilst there is chocolate in the world as a reward. It’s worth a try!

Failing that? Give him hell.